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The coincidence 4/4/2007
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next
to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm
celebrating."
"What a coincidence, " said the woman, "I'm
celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him
and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, " he replied. "For
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're
finally ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
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The cruise 4/4/2007
A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise
for himself and his girlfriend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and
things were very tight, but that he would see what he could
do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said
he could now get them onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three ...
0 Comments, 154 Views,
12 Votes
,3.51 Score
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sex-obsessed? 4/4/2007
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them
ignores them at first but her attention is galvanised when
she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again.
I come aain and pee twice. Then I come one lasta ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
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Best contraceptive 4/4/2007
Two girls: - Which is the best contraceptive? - An aspirin. - ??? - Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.
0 Comments, 87 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
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Three nuns 4/4/2007
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters,
you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting
you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to
be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's
gone.
The third ...
0 Comments, 164 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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Life on the farm 4/4/2007
A Schoharie County farmer got in his pickup and drove to
a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A
young boy about 9 opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't, " the boy replied. "He
went into town."
"Well", said the farmer, "is yer Ma here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into
town with Pa. "
"How about your ...
0 Comments, 159 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Average 4/3/2007
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about
900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of
22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per
gallon.
0 Comments, 88 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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No Needles 4/3/2007
NO WAY, NO NEEDLES !!
A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novacain.
"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles."
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man
again objects. "No gas, please the mask on my face
is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
0 Votes
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alligator shoes 4/3/2007
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one
of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well
then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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Taking A Woman To Bed 4/2/2007
Taking a woman to bed
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18,
28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her
to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 -- She tells you a ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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Drive Up ATM 4/1/2007
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that
this Bank is
installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers
to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use
the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of ...
2 Comments, 139 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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Ya gotta love older folks! 4/1/2007
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said
he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem ...
4 Comments, 243 Views,
15 Votes
,5.27 Score
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$20 3/31/2007
A guy goes out drinking after work one day with his buddy.
After a few drinks, he throws up on himself. "My wife
is going to kill me. I wasn't supposed to be drinking
tonight". His buddy tells him, "Just put a $20
bill in your pocket and tell your wife that someone at the
bar threw up on you and gave you $20 for your cleaning bill."
They have a few more drinks and are REALLY plastered. When
he ...
2 Comments, 157 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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The Curtain Rods 3/30/2007
The Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of Chardonnay. ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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MALE STRIPPERS 3/30/2007
Male Strippers
Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night
Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled
out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back , licks the $20 bill,
...
1 Comments, 152 Views,
10 Votes
,3.39 Score
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New UCLA Study 3/30/2007
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive
on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual
cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men
with rugged, masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends
to be more attracted to a man with ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Park Politics 3/30/2007
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper.
Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,
"All politicians are *ssholes."
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I
take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"
"No, " he replies, "I'm an *sshole."
0 Comments, 108 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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Alaskan Accident: 3/30/2007
Alaskan Accident:
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,
an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife, " said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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buying lingerie 3/29/2007
PS short story for you.
A husband walks into " Victoria's Secret"
to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities ranging from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the
lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put
it on and ...
4 Comments, 195 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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Lexus 3/29/2007
A lady walked into a LEXUS dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen & walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed & hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing ...
3 Comments, 148 Views,
9 Votes
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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK 3/29/2007
(maybe some haven't heard this one)
A girl was shopping at the local supermarket and selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, ...
4 Comments, 167 Views,
12 Votes
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Fireman Sex 3/29/2007
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You
know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL
1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all
slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire
truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL
3, we are ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
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All-night Duty 3/29/2007
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty
at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home
four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept
into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily
sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down
to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some ...
0 Comments, 127 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score
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Hair Style 3/29/2007
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself
in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that
he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends
her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture
to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half,
but ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Grandma's Idea 3/29/2007
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets
home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without
any pants on!
So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you
realize that you're not wearing any pants?"
His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."
Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without
any pants on Grandpa?"
His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
10 Votes
,3.19 Score
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Did You Call For Me? 3/29/2007
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day
he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A
gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately
gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning
sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says:
"You must be new here; let me explain. It's a ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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New Tax 3/29/2007
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around
unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time
it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top
of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according
to size. The brackets ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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That's Not Going to Help 3/29/2007
One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom,
how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling,
but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"
His mother , very surprised, replies; "Honey you
know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help
him lose weight".
The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother
why...
"Mom that's not ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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Sunburned 3/29/2007
A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat
questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the
roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed
to get a sunburn on his "tool". ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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International Disadvantaged People's Day 3/29/2007
Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend,
just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm
animals, vote Republican or occasionally shit your pants.......You
hang in there sunshine, you're special..
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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